Going On A Stalker Man Hunt
by Stalker's Stalker
Summary: Sara finds all this stuff in her apartment's been changed and hehe guess who she accuses? little april fools
1. fuzzy pink jacket

Stalker's Stalker- Hey everyone this is a new thing for me!!! Well a friend of mine gave me an idea and I was like, 'well lemme *lightbulb clicks on* AAAAAHHHHH HA!' Well here I'm gonna introduce you to my other personality(- y+ies). Meet Slayer *tall, long black hair with trench coat, steel toed boots, turtleneck, jeans*  
  
Slayer-*looks at the crowd with her icy green eyes* Remind me why I'm here.  
  
SS- Well aren't you Miss Tall-Dark-And-Scary?  
  
Slayer- *pulls out a wicked looking dagger* It only takes a second for me to cut your throat. Do you want to know the exact length of time? *waves it around*  
  
SS- *stares at it* ummm... no not really.  
  
Slayer- *shrugs and puts it away* ok. *turns her back*  
  
SS- *wipes sweat off of her brow*  
  
Slayer- *whips around and severs her head with a katana. Head rolls away into the darkness and the body falls over. Looks at the shocked crowd* Don't worry. Her head'll come back to the body soon. *looks the crowd over* Well?!?! What are you staring at?! Read on Damn it!  
  
*crowd quickly averts their eyes to the story*  
  
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Sara couldn't believe her luck. Her bike had been stolen (though she was pretty sure someone had just taken it for a day), there was some slick grease just outside her door, all of her clothes had been turned inside out but she hadn't noticed till she looked at the tag staring at her from under her neck and when she did correct the shirt they all said in bold red 'I haven't gotten laid in some time.', her jacked had been taken and replaced with a bright pink fuzzy one she swore she would've burned on site if it wasn't snowing outside, her beanie was left alone except for the 'I smell' patch on it, her ring tone had been changed to something by the Spice Girls and she found lots of broken eggs in the bottom of her favorite high heeled boots and all of her other sneakers were gone and bright pink bunny slippers were in their place except for a pair of combat looking things. When Jake had called she ignored it and when the answering machine picked up she almost died. As plain as broad sunlight her voice singing over the shower to the tune of Britney Spear's that had gotten stuck in her head weeks ago. When she dove for it the recording part kicked in and all she could hear was someone pounding on the floor and the taunting sound of Jake's laughter. When she went for her coffee it turned out to be decaf and that was all she had. Someone had taken her favorite cereal, Crispix, and replaced it with the sugar loaded Fruity Pebbles. Danny called but before she could spare herself the embarrassment of her singing she forgot about the furniture move and fell over that (how she's still not sure). His reaction was no less than howls of laughter until the machine kicked him off. She never made it because somehow (and she was pretty sure who but not sure how) had tied her combat boot looking shoes's strings and she promptly fell over as she got up. Her clock, she found on arriving to work, was an hour ahead of schedule. Someone had put bonding agent on her seat and switched all of her files around.  
  
Someone was going to have Hell to pay as soon as she saw him.  
  
Danny walked in with two foam cups, one at his lips and the other at his side. When he saw Sara the one by his side hit the ground and the other moved away from his lips as he sprayed everything in a five foot radius with the spit/coffee. He howled again in laughter and walked out where she couldn't see from her sitting spot on the chair. Jake walked in about ten minutes later with a thick protein looking shake. Same effect. When he shut the door she wheeled herself over to the door and locked it as well as shut the blinds as well (A/N: SS- Did they have blinds? Slayer- SHUT UP AND LET THEM READ!!!)  
  
Danny was the first to come back and tried to apologize through the giggles. He even brought a peace offering. "Here Pez," he handed over a set of jeans. She looked them over carefully then ushered him out. It was a little hard to get out of the jeans but her friend Mr. Scissors made the job rather easy. The jeans were a little big but she wasn't gonna complain right now. She was going to take a day off and go on a man hunt. Well she was gonna do that after she got rid of the shirt, jacket and found some way to get the patch off of her cap. About that time Jake burst through the door. She held back the sudden urge to dive for him and strangle him.  
  
"Hey Pez," he tried not to burst into a fit of giggles but she could tell he wasn't doing a very good job. He put down one of the NYPD shirts and doubled over holding his sides. It was a good thing he was facing the door with his ass in clear kicking range. With one great kick of frustration he was flying out the door and crashing on the floor. There rang through the door the laughter of the other men but she was too frustrated to care. About that time Danny walked back in.  
  
"Brought another peace offering." She would have kissed him if he wasn't married. He had given her a cheap coat, yes but it beat the pink fuzzy thing she intended to burn. He left again so she could change. She looked dorky but the coat was black and with it zipped up and hood over her head it wasn't bad at all. When she emerged Dante informed her that she had the whole day off before walking back to his office chuckling. She almost lost control and probably would've thrust her Witchblade through his throat. Almost but it would've helped out her day.  
  
[He's going to wish he didn't pull these stunts on me,] she growled in her own head as she set out to hunt down her stalker.  
  
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SS- HELLO!!!!!!!!! As you can see my head is back on and I have no intention of having it whacked off again *locked a metal collar around her whole neck*  
  
Slayer- That's not gonna do you much good if I want to.  
  
SS- I know but it'll at least keep my head intact.  
  
Slayer- Wanna bet? *pulls out a welding kit*  
  
SS- *laughs* That's about as dangerous and as absurd as me owning any of the characters I just used.  
  
Slayer- But you have Ian tied up in your room.  
  
SS- I said own.  
  
Slayer- He's still locked up in your room  
  
SS- I said own! OWN WHICH I DO NOT!  
  
Slayer- *shrugged* same diff. *puts the welding kit away and pulls out the BIG battle axe from inside her coat* Well I can always for the midsection.  
  
SS- Oh......... CRAP!! *runs*  
  
Slayer- Well we'll be back as soon as she writes another chapter. By then I'm sure she'll have reattached herself *runs after SS swinging her axe* 


	2. Boots and a Mirror

Stalker's Stalker- Hello people who've chosen to read on.  
  
Slayer- *snorts* You sound like those TV host people.  
  
SS- Can you do better?  
  
Slayer- *taps her midsection* Do we need to go through that again?  
  
SS- *gulps* Well I guess we don't have to do that again. *chuckles nervously*  
  
Slayer- Anyways I'm hungry so call in someone else to help you.  
  
SS- Oooh what's for dinner?  
  
Slayer- Blood of the innocent.  
  
SS- Oh, well count me out. *watches Slayer leave and when she shuts the door trumpets start and a choir sings praise* SHE'S GONE PEOPLE!  
  
Sara- She heard that.  
  
SS- *whirles around in shock* Oh, it's only you ok. Meet Sara *medium height, maroon long sleeved and a pair of black pants, high heels, and short black hair*  
  
Sara- She wasn't happy. She's going to set her hellhounds on you. *after hearing those words the evil and bone chilling sound of the hellhound's howls ring through the air*  
  
SS- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOT AGAIN! *Takes off running*  
  
Sara- *watches the hounds run at full speed past her* She should be back after this ends. *looks again* Then again maybe not.  
  
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Sara's first instinct said he was probably being Irons's lap dog right now so to Irons she went first. The taxi drove out after she paid the man that left her with the only company of the camera staring at her overhead. She swore she could hear the hearty chuckle of Ian mocking her from inside. Cussing enough to make even a sailor blush (Sara- What's the deal with that phrase anyway? SS- Dunno maybe someone'll tell us later) she continued on inside. The attendant showed her in but Ian wasn't there. She glared at Irons then noticed something.  
  
"Is that.... *glitter* on your eyes?" She stared at the older man who seemed flabbergasted and began a frantic search for a mirror. She doubled over laughing and by the time he did find one she was on the floor crying and struggling to breathe during the laughter. Irons didn't remember putting anything on his face this morning let alone *glittery* stuff. He tried to wipe it off but it seemed as though it were covered in a thin layer of some glue he couldn't peel off. Sara finally regained composure of herself but snickered as she saw his fuming face. "Wait a minute," she looked more closely, "you're wearing make-up!" With horror in his eyes he looked back down at the mirror. How had he missed the bright pink lipstick and blush on his cheeks? He tried to rub that off but thinking it was vain used his thousand dollar suit's sleeve to it. When he looked back in the mirror the lipstick was gone but that meant... He looked down at the sleeve. Sure enough there were pink streaks on the grey sleeve of the suit. Sara noticed this and burst into another laughing fit.  
  
"It's not funny," he whined as he turned his back on her to face the fireplace. When she looked at his back she broke into more fits of laughter. On his back written in white-out was the universal sign. The middle finger. Whoever drew that was very good even in the white-out. Irons tried to find the source of her laughter but couldn't locate it and she wasn't going to tell him where it was. She fell on the ground her eyes plastered to the ceiling through her tears. It took her a minute to figure out what that blurred object was but when she wiped the tears away she couldn't hold the next ones in. On the ceiling were painted pictures of Irons falling down the stairs, Irons trying to reach the dart in the middle of his back, Irons with bed-head, and there was even one of a little Irons standing in front of a mirror with little cowboy boots on (SS- I thought it was funny. Sara- It's creepy all around. This is the billionaire we are talking about.) but certain parts had been blocked out to protect her eyes from going blind at the terrible sight. They were detailed and she was sure someone had taken great care and gone to great lengths to do this but the time didn't fit.  
  
"Hey Kenny, when was the last time you looked at your ceiling?"  
  
"Not in some time, why...." Irons turned around and almost fell backwards into the fire. He did catch his pants on fire and when he noticed, with Sara watching the whole time, he jumped up and down screeching like a little girl. Sara thought of helping him but what was the point? She couldn't even stand upright without falling over from the laughter. Irons thought the whole thing terrible and when it finally dawned on him he did have a glass of wine on the table he forgot alcohol caused the fire to grow until he threw it on himself. Then he was screaming and screeching and what she guessed was cussing in some foreign language all in a very girlish high pitched voice. Sara watched and tried to get up but the laughter.....the laughter kept her from doing so. It occurred to Irons as the flames spread to *sensitive* areas that he could just stop, drop and roll. After ruining his suit and inspecting the burns that weren't serious on his legs he sat up and cried like a child. Sara would've thought this funny, and she'd probably laugh about it later, but it was very disturbing and she wanted to get away from it. Without even making a sound she was out of there and running down to the nearest curb.  
  
When she tried to hail a cab one that could only be described as a clown taxi pulled up beside her. Leery to get inside she realized that this was going to be the only one picking her up. Getting inside she was sprayed with cold water, not a good thing, and the driver was, to her horror, a clown. When she sat on the seat it farted and the guy gave a chuckle. [Clown boy's not gonna live to see tomorrow.]  
  
"Where to, Miss Pezzini?" [Oh, yea clown boy wasn't gonna live to see noon. And neither was that stalker of mine when I got a hold of him.] She muttered the name of the street just a few blocks away from her apartment and watched the buildings wiz by as the guy sped the whole way there. He was chuckling and laughing and honking his horns that if he did it again she was going to shove it down his throat when this vehicle stopped. He looked back at one point and honked it in her face. The glare she gave him would have stopped armies in their tracks. The glare worked and he didn't make a sound the rest of the way.  
  
He let her off and when she was out and walking away he breathed a sigh of relief. That thousand dollars really wasn't worth that! Well it was the thousand dollars or risking his nuts to the tall scary dude in black and there was no way he was risking loosing his family jewels.  
  
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Sara- Well SS is still trying to fight her way back here and away from the hellhounds. *checks again* unfortunately it might be another chapter before she's able to host this.  
  
Slayer- *walks in* Where are my hounds? *looks* Oh I see they found her already. Well I think I'll leave them alone again. *walks out*  
  
Sara- WAIT! THIS ISN'T MY MESS! MAKE HER HOST THIS! *falls on deaf ears* DAMN IT! We own nothing don't expect us to be rich or anything. 


	3. Asses and Stares

Sara- Side note from SS: Welcome back everyone, mostly thelma (someone likes this story!), the person who emailed me because she couldn't review (I can't figure out what the hell I'm doing on that site so I'd love help), and ssj-kabuto (for clearing that up for everyone that though I may *have* Ian chained up in my room I don't *own* him) cuz they were the only ones reviewing!  
  
SS-You tell em!  
  
Sara- *jumps* DON'T DO THAT!!  
  
SS- *laughs* Sorry.  
  
Slayer- Are you wearing electrical tape over duck tape?  
  
SS+Sara- *jump* DON'T DO THAT!  
  
Slayer- *laughs evilly*  
  
Sara- *looks* You're wearing electrical tape?!  
  
SS- Over duck tape. I couldn't get myself to heal so I wrapped myself in duck tape then covered it up with electrical.  
  
Slayer- *chuckling* Where exactly do you have that stuff wound around?  
  
SS- Just around my midsection where your hounds ripped out my guts. I'm still missing my left lung by the way. Do you know where it went?  
  
Slayer- *laughs evilly*  
  
SS- Why are you laughing? You laughing is a very bad thing.  
  
Slayer- I was wondering what that bloody purple thing was that they were all fighting over last night.  
  
SS- NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I NEED THAT! *runs out to find the hounds*  
  
Slayer- *to Sara more than the audience* She's not gonna find it soon.  
  
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Sara has had no avail finding the trickster Nottingham nor has he come out of hiding, wherever that may be. She had gone as to make a spectacle of herself by calling for him to come out on her rooftop. She had gotten yelled at several times for her to shut up and each time the person was met with the end of a middle finger. The police were called in but when they saw her pissed face they told the people to leave her alone and whatever they did they were to NOT PISS HER OFF ANY MORE! The elderly people thought she was crazy and the little kids thought she was playing a game. [Ha I'll show them all a game. Anyone up for 'leap onto the Witchblade's blade?]  
  
Noon came and went with her sitting by her window watching for any signs of life that would soon be running for it as soon as she saw him. One was just as eventless except she had found a pair of binoculars. Two rolled around and still nothing. It wasn't till about nine thirty that he showed his head. By then she had slumped over and had fallen asleep with her window open. Knowing Ian Nottingham he couldn't resist a good scare or a good prank when it came along and April Fools was too long away. Silently he crept down the fire escape and stood towering over her. He crouched down and stared at her face with his not even an inch away. Pushing down the laughter he stared at her with all of his might. (Slayer- What's the point of that? Sara- They can't stand being stared at in their sleep and when they wake they pee their pants cause there's someone there. Slayer- Pointless.)  
  
Sara could feel someone staring at her with the intensity she couldn't pinpoint. She thought it might be one of the neighbors again so she opened her eyes. Of course she hadn't expected someone to be staring at her right in front of her. she yelped and fell backwards off of her chair and onto her ass. Ian had known she had been looking for him all day and so had gone into hiding. Since it appeared that she was going to kill him as soon as she figured a way to get him he took off.  
  
"IAN NOTTINGHAM GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!" She forgot about the snow as well as her shoes as she ran out after him. Of course she regretted this almost instantly as soon as she saw the snow and the icy wind hit her face. Was kicking his ass really worth standing out there? Unfortunately if he was out there she'd at least get the pleasure of strangling him with her own frozen hands. [Definitely not worth it,] she finally decided. [No I'll lure him in and then strike. Gotta be nice or something. Think of it later when in warm apartment.]  
  
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Slayer- *looks around at empty space* ASSES!! *echo bounces off walls* ASSES!! *stares at audience* Well.......... REVIEW! I'm not your mum, don't look at me to tell you what to do! You are all turkeys follow the gobbling leader and review! *stare at her* I'M NOT YOUR LEADER NOW GO DO TURKEY THINGS! 


End file.
